HELLO, 30.

It’s official.

I have settled into 30.

Here comes the digestive issues, slower metabolism, and heavy criticism.

The heavy criticism part obviously comes from those who think you’ve “given up on love and a family” or “chose a career instead of being a mother.”

Then there’s reaping the consequences of my teenage years spent slathering my skin in baby oil and sitting out in the Seattle sun for hours on end.

Hello wrinkles and sun spots.

Hello that shiny new bottle of $290 anti-wrinkle cream that’s made by hand in a monastery.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Except it actually exists … and I want it.

This summer was all about settling goals, reaching goals, setting more goals, and spoiling myself.

I took the summer off of a FT job to really dig deep and grow. I needed to learn to accept and love myself.

I needed to stop comparing myself. I needed to quit judging myself and others.

I needed to let go of the anxiety and fear that surrounded so many things in my life.

Returning to a FT job has been… interesting.

You see, I was really hesitant on it. I was offered the job and I took several weeks to accept it.

Then after I accepted it, I took several weeks delaying my on-boarding.

I didn’t want to go back to FT work. I didn’t need to. I was doing just fine working relief and picking up clients left and right.

I had an income flowing in and was working in a VERY low-stress environment.

But then, that whole “You’re turning 30 – get your shit together Jackie” kicked in.

You know, the part that says, “Get a job where you have a retirement plan, insurance – not just medical, but also vision and dental.”

The company I’m now working for has been great.

The key feature that really made me go “yesssss!!!” was the fact that they offer $5300/yr in tuition reimbursement.

And that only requires a 6mo contract with the company and a C- or above.

Easy. Peasy.

That means – I can finish school…. And not have to worry about accruing any more debt.

Debt.

Yeah… Let’s talk about that.

So as I’ve told you before – I’ve tried really hard to climb out of that deep dark hole I dug myself into.

And I’ve done a pretty fucking good job so far.

But recently I’ve been slightly out of control.

I did say I had spoiled myself, did I?

I took myself shopping.

Or rather – I’ve been taking myself shopping.

And buying all the fancy, finer things that I know aren’t exactly in my budget, but I literally don’t give a fuck.

I spent probably $4-5000 on myself this summer.

Skincare, Makeup, and a whole new wardrobe.

No – I haven’t bought the $290 anti-wrinkle moisturizer… which, okay, I have to share this description with you:

“ each jar is hand-blended in a monastery to preserve its natural ingredients and rich history. Crème Ancienne contains such fragile ingredients that each must be poured in a particular sequence at a determined temperature—requirements that can only be met by hand. Fresh turned to a monastery to hand-blend each jar because monks are an important part of the cream’s heritage. Historically, if a formula was not produced by a monk, it was considered witchcraft. “

Yes… that’s actually the description of the moisturizer that for some reason I WANT TO BUY.

I used the excuse of starting a new job and not having anything appropriate to wear to work to start the spiral.

I walked into Nordstrom Rack looking for flats… I walked out with a new Kate Spade purse.

Then I went to Nordstrom’s because I knew the shoes I wanted, I’d purchased them before and I was determined to get them again.

I walked out with 2 pairs of Sam Edelman flats (black & brown)… oh and a pair of Blondo booties that the salesman decided I had to try on, that I said “fuck it” and bought them too.

Then onto the next shop because I needed slacks and blouses…

Then onto Sephora because now I could go back to wearing makeup at work…

Then I was watching my FAVORITE local boutique (Lika Love) Instagram story and had to have the items they were showing off.

… You see how it quickly escalated.

**Retail therapy IS REAL people!**

So now I just made a $1300 payment on my credit card this month because I’m still trying to stick to my goals!

Consumer debt free by DECEMBER.

Then having the car paid off the following December.

I can do it, It’s just going to require a little more self-control than I’ve been exhibiting recently.

Speaking of self-control…

That’s been in limited supply around my neck of the woods recently.

Or maybe I’ve just adopted a “I don’t give a damn” attitude.

Which includes but is not limited to:

Ditching the passive-aggressive attitude and just calling it like it is.

That means if you’re being an asshole, I’m going to tell you you’re being an asshole.

Then I’m going to one-up that and tell you WHY I think you’re an asshole.

Then I’ll leave it at that.

Along with ditching the passive-aggressive attitude, I’ve been way more confident in my approach to things.

Mostly men/dating.

(Which also includes telling them they’re assholes).

*begin rant*

I’m SO OVER the whole “game” bullshit that our generation has created.

Oh – you can’t see someone 2 days in a row. You can’t call or text first. Don’t you dare send two texts in a row without a response.

Like really? STFU you sensitive tip-toeing little bitches. If you want something, just go for it. This is the biggest load of shit to come out of our generation EVER.

No joke.

When the hell are you going to just STFU and admit you like someone and then go for it.

Seriously.

*end rant*

Anyway.

So as you know, I’ve been basically single for quite some time now… or at least, quite some time for me, Miss Serial Monogamist.

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without a labeled “boyfriend” in… idk, since I started dating?

Gotta say – it has been the most interesting few months but only recently has it really started to get fun.

Turning 30 was like a “wake-up call.”

All of the sudden the pressure and stress to “find someone” just kind of fell away and I finally felt like I was filling the shoes I had bought for myself years prior.

I wasn’t trying to be the “tough girl” anymore. I embraced my femininity in a non-sexual way for the first time ever.

I can wear a dress and not be “asking for it” or “trying to get attention in a sexual way.”

I can literally just wear a dress because I feel fucking hot in that dress. And why wouldn’t I want to feel that way when I’m about to go on a date?

Why would I have to or feel the need to dress myself down to seem less intimidating?

Screw that.

I’m going to wear the heels and the boots and if you have a problem with me being taller than you because of that… then that’s your problem, not mine.

Catering to the opposite sex just isn’t in the cards as far as my appearance goes.

There was some comment the other day that I heard about Kim Kardashian.

Sharon Osborne I believe made a comment saying that Kim Kardashian shows she’s a feminist by posting naked pictures of herself.

Kim countered with, “No, I post naked pictures of myself because I think I look fucking hot and I worked my ass off for this body after 2 kids. That’s why. It has nothing to do with trying to prove anything or be a feminist.”

Loved it.  Something about that comment just made me smile and all warm and fuzzy.

You can embrace yourself and love yourself and be proud of yourself without taking some type of political or abrasive stance.

Loving yourself and sharing that love – whatever. Think what you want. Not everything has to be considered narcissistic now a days.

Seriously – that term is SO over used.

Anyway – back to what I was previously discussing about dating.

I had this great “ah-ha” moment with Markie (remember her? My amazing life coach – she’s the best) a few weeks ago where I just said…

“You know what, Markie. Maybe the reason I can’t make up my mind about all of this is because I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Maybe I need to stop searching for one, acting like I’m incomplete without one and realize I don’t even have the fucking time to devote to one if I wanted to!”

That’s kind of when all the pieces fell together – or apart I guess?

I started to see things from a different perspective.

I became bolder and braver.

All of the sudden I wasn’t looking at dating these men as possible life partners. It was more of a “hey – I’m really busy, I have a lot on my plate, but I’d really like to hang out with someone every once in a while and get drinks/dinner/maybe ‘netflix and chill’ if you catch my drift…”

**No, I am not ashamed of that at all. I do not consider myself to be a slut/whore/ho/whatever the hell you want to label me as because I believe in safe, casual encounters. GTFO**

I am so not claiming that these causal encounters don’t occasionally come with a lot of heartache – which I’ve absolutely learned the hard way, too.

But something changed.

I was able to see what I needed and wanted and how they were different.

This “feeling” may change but for now, it’s serving me well.

I was able to shine a light on a serious mental malfunction and find a way to heal it and acknowledge it.

Not without a lot of work though.

Learning to stop pressuring myself into relationships – especially ones I don’t have time for – or even worse, don’t want to be in… that’s got to be the biggest thing I took away from my 29th year.

Letting go of baggage. The people I don’t need. The people who have been in my back pocket for years and I pull out when I’m feeling sad.

The people I’m with out of convenience. The people I’m with because they pressured me to be with them.

Boy – Bye.

So now we’re this super confident, ready to take on the world woman.

Who has a whole new wardrobe and apparently a new skincare/makeup routine.

(determined to buy the monastery cream, hahaha!)

Who straight up doesn’t give a fuck about being a relationship or determining her worth based off of her partner.

Who paid her OWN tuition for school (yeah, I put that on the credit card, too – whatever).

Who started a FT job in human healthcare – which is just the start of where she wants to go.

Learning to be humble and take a step backward, that I may not be doing exactly what I want to do or what I thought I’d be doing – but guess what, it’s going to take me to where I want to be.

So WOO HOO to 30!

To waking up early (*cough – yeah right – cough*), sometimes – to do my hair and makeup before work.

To looking the part.

To randomly going on a run with my dog in the middle of the night, because – who is this girl?

To asking guys out she meets in elevators, or on Instagram – cause girl… get away from the dating apps.

“A woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet – Mohadesa Najumi”

Get it girl.

Until next time,

Xo-Jack

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