Running and Running, Too Fast

In light of recent personal events. I decided to sit down and write. I find that generally when I can’t stop thinking about something, the best way for me to sort it out is to just sit down and let the words flow. USUALLY by the end of the post, I’ve got SOME kind of clarity. SOME.

There are so many thoughts running through my head these days. Work, Performance, School, Performance, Dating, Friends, Distance, SO MUCH DISTANCE.

So, let’s try to organize.

Work has been going well. Based off my 30-day review, it seems like I’m checking the boxes and hitting the benchmarks that have been set for me. I’ve settled into my routine there and have started to develop relationships with a few co-workers. I’m excited to see where those relationships go, you know me, always on the hunt for new friends!

While I’m not exactly challenged in my position (don’t get me wrong, there’s always a learning curve to a new position), it proves me EXACTLY what I need right now. Stability, flexibility, and the time to crack open the textbook and study. What more could I want at this time? Exactly. Humble. Grateful.

School OFFICIALLY starts Monday, September 25th (happy birthday to my littlest brother, Jacob!). I ordered my textbook weeks ago and have already cracked the seam and littered it with post-it notes. What can I say… I’m excited. I contacted my professor 2 weeks ago to introduce myself and to make sure I had everything I needed for class to start. Guess what – I do! 🙂

I have chosen to take ONE class. One ONLINE class this quarter. I was so worried about accepting the position at my new job because I was scared I would lose my momentum to pursue my education. I even sat down with Markie (life coach) and told her maybe I should push it out to next quarter while I get settled in my new job. Then what did I do? Oh, I thought about it and said, “Fuck you, Jackie. If you don’t do it now, you’ll never do it. Stop looking for excuses. Stop putting it off.” So… I registered for one, online class. Figured it would help keep the ball rolling and provide me the flexibility of working while attending school.

I’m so excited that the quarter hasn’t even started and I’ve already completed the first 2 quizzes and 7 assignments. Typical Virgo.

Family is everything. You know how I feel about that. Recently my mom underwent another reconstruction surgery and she’s hurting. Bad. It bothers me so much to see her in pain. Today is her birthday so I showed up, with flowers & hard cider. Because I’m a believer in drinking and taking narcotics. (HA! Just kidding… maybe) While I was there I cleaned up the kitchen, spent time with my step-dad, Scott, and youngest brother, Jacob. Spending time with family always fills my cup. Or, at least Scott makes sure my glass is always full (of beer). While I was there it was hard for me to see my mom in pain and not be able to do anything about it. Not even my go-to jokes that usually make her laugh did the trick. It was a little frustrating, but once again – here I go not knowing how to empathize, right?

She will heal and feel better soon, but it takes time. Just like anything in this life. EVERYTHING takes TIME. It’s rather frustrating to be completely honest. While it goes so fast, it also goes SO SLOW. Time, another thing I can’t control. Elusive bastard.

Dating. Ugh. Where do I begin? I know I’ve previously written about consequences to actions, but I never in a million years thought I would date someone who would read my blog.

(For the record, it is SUPER awkward when someone you’ve just started dating reads the intimate details of your thoughts. The mistakes you’ve made. And the extreme vulnerability that comes from my writing.)

This is a new issue for me. I’ve been casually dating for several months now and have not ran across someone who decided to tap into my writing. Let alone be offended, concerned, or judgemental about it. My immediate reaction was to defend myself. I chose to react differently. (Does this mean I’m changing? growing? hmmm…) Even though I was put off by it, I attempted to put myself in their shoes and see how I would feel if I had read something about someone I liked… and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I applaud the confidence it takes to be bold enough to approach me about it. I was most definitely caught off-guard. Like, Whoa. We discussed it and moved passed it.

However, another issue presented itself and it left me question how I behave while I’m dating. Even if I immediately communicate that I am focused on work and school, maybe my actions speak differently? Maybe it appears that I am looking for something more serious? Or maybe not serious, but something NOT casual.

Am I happy with casual? How’s it working out for me so far?

I have been “the girlfriend,” for so many years, to several different men. All of whom I am grateful for and learned something about myself and what I want for myself and a partner in my future. But obviously, none of them have worked so far.

Am I using the excuse of wanting something casual to avoid things getting complicated? To avoid making my organized life, messy. Maybe?

Why, Maybe?

I am so hyper focused on performing well at work and school that the idea of introducing someone I actually care about into my little work just seems… so risky. I have this plan FINALLY figured out. (I’m a planner, remember?) I’m FINALLY fucking following that damn plan that I spent so many years putting together. And I’m doing it BY MYSELF. I don’t want to get distracted and I ALWAYS get distracted in a relationship. My goals never get accomplished and I lose the fire that burned for myself because now I become so infatuated and tangled up in this new and fun relationship – that it becomes my focus.

WHHHHYYYYY, JACKIE. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY DO YOU DO THISSSSSSS.

Well, because a relationship IS part of my “plan.” Because I don’t want to spend my entire life alone (Butters doesn’t count). But for some reason, I can’t do both? What in the actual fuck. I can’t even.

And this is where I’m all twisted up in knots and confused and frustrated.

Because apparently I pick REALLY awesome guys to just be casually dating. Ones I would probably REALLY enjoy being in a relationship with. But is my focus fear driven? Probably.

Well, shit.

Friends, good friends are SO hard to find. Especially as an adult. I feel like I’ve been unusually blessed in this department. Even though the majority of them live all over the U.S. now, we still find time to connect. I spent time catching up with a few this weekend and it fills my heart so much to giggle, gossip, and bitch with them. I hope they realize just how amazing they are and how incredibly proud I am of them. My mom used to tell me when I was a kid, “Pick GOOD friends, Jackie. Because you will become them.” She was SO right. I have adapted and picked up different characteristics and personalities from the people I have chosen to surround myself with. Thank God I chose well. Thanks Girls 🙂

I’m sitting on the couch, having a glass of wine, music is probably a LITTLE too loud for the neighbors, and I’m alone. I’ve become comfortable being alone. I hammered out my quiz for school (which isn’t due until thursday). I’ll probably start dinner (for one) here shortly. Throw on a hair mask and face mask and dance with myself in my bathrobe in the kitchen while stirring whatever I decide to throw in a pan for dinner.

This is my life.

And I wouldn’t mind sharing it with someone else. Or would I?

Wonder if I’ll ever figure that out.

Until next time,

Xo-Jack

 

P.S. – photo credit to Kailee Elizabeth. This picture was taken for a Lika Love photoshoot. My FAVORITE local boutique to shop at (they’re online also!)

Follow them both on IG at: @kep_photos and @likalovefashion

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JacquelinB

Single, 30-something, badass girlboss, Seattle, works too much and trying to figure out how to survive in this world.

Thoughts?