Recently I’ve been asking myself the question:
“Do I want to be in a relationship with him – OR – Do I just want to be in a relationship.”
This comes at a really interesting time for me, as I’m these two moments coincidentally happened at the same time. So therein lies the question… How do I tell the difference?
My pattern of dating unavailable men is long, checkered, and full of great weekends and mild heart ache. Having physical distance between yourself and someone you’re talking to (on a fairly regular basis) makes it easier when things don’t work out. I’ve found that it’s becoming easier for me to recognize when something IS NOT working – the hard part though is how do you cut that cord? What’s the kindest way to let someone down?
Then I started to get all pissy because why the hell am I worried about letting someone down, when that is literally all they have done to me for the last “x-amount” of time. However, I am prideful and do not like it when people view me as being the villian. So now I get to have this super awkward conversation with someone, basically just to tell them to quit texting me. Aye Yai Yai. Seriously. Can’t someone else do this for me?
Especially considering there is no “label.” What’s the deal with commitment these days? How long do you have to date someone before you move from:
- Dating multiple people
- Dating a few people
- Dating one person
- Exclusively dating each other
- Discussing relationship titles
- Labeling your relationship
I mean, WTF. Seriously. Shit or get off the pot. Don’t waste my time. I get that you’re getting what you want in it, and it’s highly likely that it is my fault. Perhaps I did not make my intentions clear from the beginning. Perhaps I made excuses or let you make the decisions on where the relationship/lack thereof was going to go because I was more interested in having constant attention (albeit, minimal) – than nothing at all.
Or MAYBE, I’m too picky?
That’s gotta be it. Constantly thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Instead of acknowledging the fact that the grass will be green wherever the fuck you decide to water it, Jackie. Maybe I choose to keep myself in this limbo area because I, myself, have a fear of commitment.
Because as I get older, I realize I might actually be doing this “life” thing by myself, so why bother getting attached to any one person when they’re highly likely to find something better or leave… like I’ve been known to do.
Big girl steps though. After a recent conversation with my therapist & life coach, I had an “AH HA” moment. I realized my capacity to be open, honest, and vulnerable recently is a HUGE growth spurt for me. Which is most likely why I’m so uncomfortable in it. It’s like swimming in the ocean at midnight. I don’t know where to go, I can’t see around me, I’m left in pitch black, wading in the water, just trying to stop myself from drowning in my own self doubt and fear… Hoping someone will come find me and I will finally be safe and freed from the water.
There is a reason I’m making a conscious choice to eliminate superficial relationships and rid myself of emotional/physical baggage. I’ve reached the point where I am comfortable wading in the ocean. Because now the sun is starting to rise and I can see what I am surrounded by. (*barf, how did I get so deep and poetic?*)
I’m comfortable here now. I’m okay, happy, and enjoy my routine of being single. It works for me. It works for my lifestyle. It just WORKS. Plus, I get to take the leftovers to work and don’t have to share.
The longer I remain self sufficient, in my super freedom/empowered/routine… the more regimented and inflexible my routine/life becomes.
After a very raw and honest conversation with my mental cheerleaders this weekend, I realized I AM ready for a relationship. I am ready to tell someone what I want and not apologize for it. I’m ready to actually commit to something and grow with it and see what happens.
…It just came at a time when I was least expecting it, and when YOU decided to pop your head back into my life. But when I compare (which is terrible, sorry!) you to other people I have been seeing… I realize I didn’t want to be in a relationship with them. So maybe it’s not that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, maybe I chose not to be with them, because I was waiting for someone like you.
Alright, even I can’t stomach the mushy over the top nonsense I just wrote.
Apologies, dear readers.