Second Chances

Occasionally people come into our lives, more often than not when we are not paying attention, and we move right along without a second thought. There’s a brief exchange, you have a great time, but then nothing comes of it. Perhaps because you’re both busy, on different pages, different places in your life, or lack the time required to make it more than just what it was – A great evening.

Small things come up here and there that make you think about that person. You find yourself wondering what they’re up to since you saw each other last, if it’s appropriate to text/call, you over analyze any future contact because maybe it’s been so long it feels strange to reach out.

Perhaps you add each other on your social networks: Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. As a way of keeping tabs on that person, admiring from afar but making sure there’s enough distance as not to let your guard down and invite them into your life.

You begin romanticizing what would’ve been. You find yourself down a rabbit hole of fantasies wondering if you have JUST done something differently, how exciting your life could’ve been. Obviously it all would’ve worked out if you had just put in the effort, just done a few little things to keep them on the hook.

You see other people, you date other people, you explore your options – but they’re still in the back of your head. “What if” becomes apart of your vocabulary. You become infatuated with this thought. But still too scared to do anything about it. There’s a reason nothing happened the first time, right? Come back to reality, darling. Stop dreaming.

Then something happens. You take a risk. A small, friendly gesture and reach out – 2 years later.

“Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me or not. We went on a date a few years ago and I was just thinking about you and wanted to know how you were doing. Would you like to catch up sometime?”

“…” <– seeing this light up on your imessages is thrilling yet anxiety-inducing.

What will he say? Did he forget about me? Is he seeing someone now and I just opened the door for something I shouldn’t have? Was that inappropriate? Was it desperate? Shit – why did I do that?

You realize you’ve opened yourself up in a new way to rejection. You fear rejection to your core. It’s why you always play it safe. It’s why you’ve ALWAYS played it safe. Never chase the man, let him chase you. Never appear to interested, or fear that they may lose interest.

Drink some wine, delete the text you sent as not to be upset when you don’t receive a response. Move on and forget about it. You were silly to reach out. Shame on you girl, you know better.

“How could I forget? I’d love to catch up with you. Jak’s this Sunday night? Around 8?”

*squeals* – play it cool, girl. Calm TF down.

“Sounds great, looking forward to it!”

You proceed to pull out all the stops. You go shopping for the perfect dress, blow out your hair, apply your makeup like a pro to camouflage any possibly distracting imperfections. Here’s your chance girl, here’s the start of turning those “what if’s” into your reality.

You let your nerves get the best of you. You’re not paying attention to how many glasses of wine you’ve had. You were so anxious all day you forgot to eat. You make a fool out of yourself. You come across desperate, too interested, and easy.

Ugh, easy.

You feel the only way to capture his attention is through your looks, you use your body to secure yourself into thinking you’re receiving what you want. You’re embarrassing yourself. Why? Get your shit together, girl.

Weeks go by and you can’t seem to connect, find or make time for one another.

You’re sick a few times and he surprises you by stopping by with care packages, but you’re so ashamed of your behavior you resolve to treat the person poorly – keeping them at a distance – never letting that guard down because of YOURSELF.

Contact becomes sporadic at most. The occasional text to solidify dinner plans that ends up falling apart due to schedules. Things just don’t seem to be working. You blame yourself. If you hadn’t appeared so insecure and desperate on that date, you wouldn’t be in this position now. You’ve self sabotaged any chance you may have had.

So you do what you know. You see other people. You see LOTS of other people. You’re using it as a way to inflate your own ego.

Months go by, you make solid plans 2 months ahead of time. What could possibly come up between now and then? You’ve had this on your schedule so far in advance that there’s no way it would be rescheduled.

Then, it happens.

The token millennial move.

You’re ghosted.

You can’t figure out why. You’ve known each other for so long now, it’s never been a serious relationship. You never invested enough for this to happen. You start to think they must have met someone else, but you just can’t let it go.

Maybe he blocked you and he’s not getting your texts, should you reach out in another way? No – that just appears too “stalker-ish.” But your ego and logical brain wants to know what happened, where did it go wrong, why did he think that this was the best way to handle the situation. WHY.

You don’t give up. You send a text maybe once a week, maybe every other week – just to let them know you’re there and you’re confused.

You get drunk and call them. Of course they don’t answer, but you leave a voicemail anyway.

“Hey – it’s me. I’ve been thinking of you, I miss you. It’d be nice to see you. I hope you’re doing well. Give me a call sometime.”

You hang up an instantly regret your moment of weakness.

It’s easy to keep up those walls when the only communication you’ve had is a “hey, what’s up?” or “hope you’re doing well” text that conveys no emotion. But when you break down and call someone, they can hear every catch in your voice as you stumble over the right words to say.

You look at your calendar and see that tonight’s the night you had plans. You never whited them out on your paper calendar that hangs in your office. You never deleted it from your google calendar on your phone. It’s a bold reminder of what once was and is no longer.

“Enjoy the show tonight.”

“…” <– there it is again. The notification that someone is typing you a message via imessenger.

“Ended up so busy, last two weeks has been brutal, gave my tix to clients. How’s it going?”

And so it begins. It starts back up again. So casual.

“It’s okay – just enjoying a glass of wine, Netflix, and Todd cuddled up on my lap. How was Whistler?”

“Leave tomorrow for Whistler, trying to wrap up work stuff but big meetings tomorrow and new dev downtown Bellevue had to be here for, then can go. Miss that Todd, he’s a chill cat.”

“So come see him!”

“I get back Sunday eve, de should. Think he’d want to?”

“definitely, maybe, yes.”

“Cool, will bring cat nip.”

Here’s your chance again. You get to figure out what happened, either get some closure or pick things back up where they left off. Which direction do you choose? I suppose that all depends on how the night goes.

He show’s up – late – but he shows up. You end up eating dessert, drinking some wine, and talking all night.

Then it happens. You word vomit.

“Why did you just ghost me like that? What happened?” — because you’re unafraid of conflict. Especially with this person, who you’ve never had an issue calling out for flaking out on dates or never making solid plans. Someone who you were seeing MAYBE once a month for 4 months.

“Why would I take you seriously? You’ve applied to two different jobs out-of-state since this summer. Dallas, and then Atlanta. Not only that, but the job in Atlanta was to be closer to another guy? You date a hundred different men and you treat me like someone who you don’t take seriously, so why would I take you seriously?”

*mic drop*

Something I have always respected and appreciated in others is the way they can nail something, so directly on the head, that stops me in my tracks. It’s not hurtful, it’s right. He’s absolutely right.

When you treat others like they’re insignificant. Unwilling to make time for them, provide the attention and vulnerability that’s required to create and maintain ANY form of relationship – how could you possibly expect them to keep trying?

I suppose that was the wake up call and reality check I needed to get my shit together. If you want something to work, you have to put time, energy, and make certain sacrifices so it can come together. The older I get, the more rigid I become. Living alone has been a blessing and a curse. While I don’t have to worry about sharing my home with a room-mate, I notice I am no longer as flexible with certain things as I once was.

Reaching out, lowering your guard, and being unafraid of the unknown makes it possible to have a genuine connection with someone. This is what I want. I know this is what I want. I have been single for almost 2 years now, searching for someone who would accept me for me – but have no qualms or reservations with confronting me when I have acted inappropriately or have hurt them.

I am apologetic and the mirror is clean and clear now.

Until next time,



“It’s not Me, It’s You.”

“Hi, it’s (insert name of your choice). I just thought the right thing to do would be to call you and tell you I met somebody else. Umm.. okay.”

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Nothing quite matches the hurt brought on by the sting of rejection. By being told that someone else is better than you, so they chose that person over you.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

When your intuition comes ringing, it’s hard to ignore it. But to have it confirmed, it is the this bitter-sweet taste of being right that isn’t as wonderful as it usually is. Really, though.

Can you stop the spiral of negative self thought before it tangles you up? Can your ego handle the punch? How do you stop from falling, realizing that there is more to you than you were willing to show someone, and it’s their loss – not yours.

The immediate thought is that you’re not good enough. That you did something wrong. That your insecurities manifested your own demise? That the concerns you had about not being where you wanted to be at this age (but working toward it!) would somehow make someone see you as a lesser person. That being a kind, generous, loving person does not equate to a masters degrees, being poly lingual, and a six-figure income.

So let’s start by pouring a nice big glass of red wine, into my souvenir glass from a wine tasting on Vashon Island. Then do what I always do when I’m not sure what to do with all my feelings, write. And write I shall!

What I’ve learned this year is that regardless of how you feel, do your best not to react. Think about the situation, the person, and then do your best to compose yourself prior to opening your mouth (or laptop?). Approach the situation with a kind, thoughtful heart. Remember what you believe in, the good in people. I believe that people are inherently good, they do not choose to be malicious. Occasionally the things that they may say or do will hurt you, but you are in control of how you respond. Be kind and honest, regardless of how you feel. Because days, weeks, years from now when you are reflecting – you would like to be proud of how you responded during the situation.

“Every decision that you make is made out of fear, or out of love.” — yes, I’m quoting Oprah here. 

I choose the higher road. I will continue to choose the higher road. Because I believe in being kind to others. I also believe in standing up for what’s right and asserting myself in a graceful way.

“If you have to do that to someone else again… the nice thing to do is just tell them that you’re not connecting, do it sooner instead of drawing it out, and the last thing you should do if you’re trying to be nice is tell the girl you met someone better. I’m sure you can understand why that would hurt someone’s feelings.”

I am proud of how I handled the situation. I am confident in my ability to bounce back. I am resilient if nothing else. I am proud of my vulnerability and desire to be honest and upfront with what I’m looking for. There is no shame in being forward. There is no love without heartbreak. And there can be no happiness without getting familiar with pain.

Appreciate the rainy days, because without them – nothing would grow.

I know it’s a short post tonight, it was more for personal therapy than entertainment. I’ll spend some time next week putting together something else. But for now, this shall do!



Here We Go Again

I ran across some of the most ridiculous “advice” today. I can’t wait to share it.

But first, let me explain WHY/HOW I stumbled across this advice.

You see, I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m ready for a relationship and what that looks like/what it means/etc etc. You know how introspective this girl can get. I have chosen to spend my “down time” (aka: while I sit on the couch in my bathrobe, paint my nails, and watch The Office on Netflix) shopping for my next potential man.

Deal breakers for me include:

  1. Active lifestyle (yes, I want someone who is healthy and fit, but not all your pictures have to be you climbing a mountain, skiing/snowboarding/wakeboarding, or hiking with your friends dog) – basically, i’m not looking for someone who will order 2 pizzas and then eat 1.5 of them.
  2. Poor hygiene <– I just can’t. I’m not your mother, I shouldn’t have to tell you to freaking bathe.
  3. Any “I hate Trump” propaganda. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. However, I’m not interested in someone who advertises in this way.
  4. Unemployed (also see – lacks ambition). I think this goes without saying. I hustle too hard to be taken advantage of or to have to foot the bill on EVERYTHING we do. I’m just not interested in that, sorry.
  5. Smoker. <– do I even need to explain this?
  6. WHO ARE YOU? All of your pictures are in groups, seriously – how am I supposed to know who you are?
  7. All of your pictures have women draped all over you. NO, this does NOT make you more desirable to me. You look like a flirt or that you sleep with all your female friends. Sorry, bye.

So as I put together my list of “deal breakers” that I use when decided to swipe Left or Right, I’m also deciding what makes ME a “keeper.” Other than my dog, Butters. Which is how I ended up in the pinterest vortex.

Do yourself a favor – NEVER SEARCH FOR “dating advice for women in their 30’s”

SMH. But really, smh.


It starts off by reminding you that you are old, dried up, and that men will see you as someone who just wants to get impregnated as soon as possible. That you’re competition is women who are 10 years younger than you, regardless of the age of the man.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that I am fighting the war on aging the best that I can by eating healthy and spending a ridiculous amount of money on skincare. But the idea that I am no longer desirable simply because I am no longer in my 20’s is pure rubbish.

Then it goes into the details about all these things you MUST DO to get and keep a man’s attention. Now, I don’t consider myself a feminist (when I think of feminist, I think of a man hating, angry lesbian… sorry?), but I do believe that I am worth more than the label a man may create for me.

I pulled this from a website after googling “Dating in your 30s” — granted, I absolutely took it out of context, and the rest of the article isn’t too bad… If you want to read it, you can view it here.You’re not in your 20s anymore. Remember being in your early 20s and seeing those obvious, older bachelors and cougars prowling around the younger crowds? You don’t want to be that older creeper.”

Then you end up on these dates, and the type of man you meet resembles…


Or maybe, sometimes that’s how I FEEL. Like I’m trying to figure out exactly what you want in a woman, so I can [briefly] embody those characteristics and qualities… and then slowly over time, MAYBE you’ll love the real me, if I show you – slowly – piece by piece.

But let’s be honest. I’m a grown up now and I don’t have time for that shit. So, let the sass fly! If you don’t appreciate my wit, sarcasm, and ambition… then you don’t deserve to see me naked. Sorry, NOT SORRY.

Then I came across this meme – and it just made me happy. So I had to share it. Because I feel like it’s exactly how I feel about people I go on dates with.

I go from being SUPER excited — well, maybe this will work — no, this will not work — WHY AM I STILL HERE.

BUT- BUT – BUTTTTT WAIT. This is actually a NEW thing. If you read one of my previous posts: Dating in the 21st Century; you’ll remember that I generally have good luck when it comes to dating. I don’t have to kiss too many frogs to find a prince (correction – a “Mr. Right Now Prince”). But recently, I find myself beating my head against a wall with some of these fellas. Really, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING POSTING A PICTURE OF YOURSELF 50LBS AGO – DID YOU THINK I WOULDN’T NOTICE!?

I just do not understand the logic that goes behind fabricating a false profile. If your intention is to meet someone who accepts you/loves you for who you are, then just be honest and be yourself. Quit wasting mine & other peoples time for that matter.

I do not care how brilliant your personality is if you start off by lying and deceiving. Not okay.

But alas, never give up! Because really, regardless of how horrendous your date is, there is always something positive to gain from it. You learn more about yourself in the process, what you like/dont like, and you took a risk!

Without risk, there is no reward my lovelies.


Right Time vs Right Person

Recently I’ve been asking myself the question:

“Do I want to be in a relationship with him – OR – Do I just want to be in a relationship.”

This comes at a really interesting time for me, as I’m these two moments coincidentally happened at the same time. So therein lies the question… How do I tell the difference?

IMG_5431.jpgMy pattern of dating unavailable men is long, checkered, and full of great weekends and mild heart ache. Having physical distance between yourself and someone you’re talking to (on a fairly regular basis) makes it easier when things don’t work out. I’ve found that it’s becoming easier for me to recognize when something IS NOT working – the hard part though is how do you cut that cord? What’s the kindest way to let someone down?

Then I started to get all pissy because why the hell am I worried about letting someone down, when that is literally all they have done to me for the last “x-amount” of time. However, I am prideful and do not like it when people view me as being the villian. So now I get to have this super awkward conversation with someone, basically just to tell them to quit texting me. Aye Yai Yai. Seriously. Can’t someone else do this for me?

Especially considering there is no “label.” What’s the deal with commitment these days? How long do you have to date someone before you move from:

  1. Dating multiple people
  2. Dating a few people
  3. Dating one person
  4. Exclusively dating each other
  5. Discussing relationship titles
  6. Labeling your relationship

I mean, WTF. Seriously. Shit or get off the pot. Don’t waste my time. I get that you’re getting what you want in it, and it’s highly likely that it is my fault. Perhaps I did not make my intentions clear from the beginning. Perhaps I made excuses or let you make the decisions on where the relationship/lack thereof was going to go because I was more interested in having constant attention (albeit, minimal) – than nothing at all.

Or MAYBE, I’m too picky?


That’s gotta be it. Constantly thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Instead of acknowledging the fact that the grass will be green wherever the fuck you decide to water it, Jackie. Maybe I choose to keep myself in this limbo area because I, myself, have a fear of commitment.

Because as I get older, I realize I might actually be doing this “life” thing by myself, so why bother getting attached to any one person when they’re highly likely to find something better or leave… like I’ve been known to do.

Big girl steps though. After a recent conversation with my therapist & life coach, I had an “AH HA” moment. I realized my capacity to be open, honest, and vulnerable recently is a HUGE growth spurt for me. Which is most likely why I’m so uncomfortable in it. It’s like swimming in the ocean at midnight. I don’t know where to go, I can’t see around me, I’m left in pitch black, wading in the water, just trying to stop myself from drowning in my own self doubt and fear… Hoping someone will come find me and I will finally be safe and freed from the water.

There is a reason I’m making a conscious choice to eliminate superficial relationships and rid myself of emotional/physical baggage. I’ve reached the point where I am comfortable wading in the ocean. Because now the sun is starting to rise and I can see what I am surrounded by. (*barf, how did I get so deep and poetic?*)


I’m comfortable here now. I’m okay, happy, and enjoy my routine of being single. It works for me. It works for my lifestyle. It just WORKS. Plus, I get to take the leftovers to work and don’t have to share.


The longer I remain self sufficient, in my super freedom/empowered/routine… the more regimented and inflexible my routine/life becomes.


After a very raw and honest conversation with my mental cheerleaders this weekend, I realized I AM ready for a relationship. I am ready to tell someone what I want and not apologize for it. I’m ready to actually commit to something and grow with it and see what happens.

…It just came at a time when I was least expecting it, and when YOU decided to pop your head back into my life. But when I compare (which is terrible, sorry!) you to other people I have been seeing… I realize I didn’t want to be in a relationship with them. So maybe it’s not that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, maybe I chose not to be with them, because I was waiting for someone like you.


Alright, even I can’t stomach the mushy over the top nonsense I just wrote.

Apologies, dear readers.


Not right now, Maybe later

“Not right now, maybe later,” – says Jackie, 7 years ago and honestly, probably 10 years ago, too.

“It’s not just working, you’re too far away,” – says Jackie, 7 years ago and honestly, probably 10 years ago, too.

“I just need to date around and see what else is out there,” – says Jackie, 7 years ago and honestly, probably 10 years ago, too.

I’m having a moment here. If it wasn’t obvious enough. There’s been an massive increase in my posts this week (i’m sure it’ll level itself out soon), this is due to a combination of a few things:

  1. Work has been EXTREMELY slow for me.
  2. I have something to say I suppose.
  3. It’s a new year, so let the introspective thinking and reflection begin!

It’s really easy for me to get into my head and just spiral down this tunnel where I become WAY too analytical. There is absolutely NO reason for me to hyper analyze every encounter, text, e-mail, phone call, etc – that I receive from others. It’s actually quite exhausting.

Which leads me up to my current “keep me up at night and wake up late for work,” scenario that I’ve somehow wrapped myself up in.

You see, while I enjoy dating multiple people, have thoroughly embraced being single, I just can’t shake this feeling as of late. I actually want to hang out with someone, the same person, and that’s it. (WHAT!?) Perhaps being surrounded by so many, “I love you”-s, that did not come from someone I am blood related to, messed up my routine. You get comfortable being alone, doing things the way you want, when you want, and how you want. Freedom is such an amazing thing to have. Not having to report to anyone when you just want to take off for the day or go get happy hour after work with a coworker, or make plans to go see a ballet or go shopping with your mom. You don’t have to “clear” it with anyone.

This “freedom” was overwhelming at first. I found myself behaving in ways I considered disrespectful to myself and others, and ended up going through a little bit of a “wild streak” to say the least. Thankfully that streak did not last long and I was able to get myself into a really great routine of work, friends, making dinner, spending time alone, dating, etc. I felt I had some balance. It was working. I was doing my thing and I was happy (ish).

Recently though, I’m getting that itch. Time to meet new people? Rekindle things and double dip with the past? Just wait things out and see what happens with the current selection of suitors? What’s a girl to do.


The fun part about reconnecting with people from your past is that they already know everything about you. They know you’re someone who farts in their sleep, tries to sneak picking their nose, can whip up a delicious dinner when you thought there wasn’t anything to eat last you looked in the fridge, and they’re great in the sack. Generally it just didn’t work out because you weren’t as compatible as you thought you’d be. Something happens, another guy/girl comes into the picture and that’s a better fit at the time. So you move on and say your goodbyes.

If you’re anything like ME though – you can’t seem to lose touch. I haven’t had any “really” ugly breakups with people. I’ve usually been the bad one in the relationship, so maybe they’re all masochists for wanting to maintain some platonic relationship. But it seems to work well for me. The “back-up plan” or “Plan-B”, right? When you’re feeling down cause your date bailed on you, or you got in a fight with your mom or best friend – it’s nice to have someone who you KNOW will respond to your text or answer your phone call. Gets your mind off of the present, showers you with attention, and there’s no expectation of anything more.

Most girls I know have a “Back-Up Plan.” And after scouring the internet for the last 2 hours while writing this… I realized just how common this is (more for women, than men). I got to reading the comments on several of the articles and it all hit me how incredibly blind I’ve been to this whole thing. It never occured me to how selfish, disrespectful, and hurtful it may be for me to string a man along while we each date other people but flirt carelessly with one another. “I love you” in a text, read by someone’s significant other… OH BOY. You know that’s not going to go well. But why can’t we help ourselves? How can we actually move passed this issue. How do we decide to drop the safety net and either date our back-up plan (which is usually your best friend), or move on and let each other live your lives. How do you forget someone? How do you forget the feelings you have for someone or the way they made you feel?

We all know that time seems to dull the pain of heartache. But like most memories there will be things that come along to trigger certain feelings. Responding to them appropriately is what matters.

The interesting part is what happens when you think you’re in love with your back-up plan, but they’ve changed/moved on and the “power” you once had over that person is no longer valid? All these insecurities begin to creep up on you and you find yourself doing things that you would never consider doing. You go from being someone who can roll with the punches and talk shit with the best of them… to some sensitive, kind, “what can I do for you,” type of person. Awesome, so now you’re essentially someone they don’t even know or recognize AND you’re admitting that you want to explore the option of what would happen if you two were to see what happened on a romantic level, not just a friendly one.

Oh Lordy. What have I done. Who am I?

Did it just feel good to have the attention? Am I confusing love with lust with just how great it felt to be with someone again? Does it really matter WHO it was? How long should I think about this? How deep should I analyze? What am I going to say to my therapist tomorrow afternoon? (God bless therapy)






Champagne & Caramelizing Onions

I couldn’t think of a better title for this post.

Because I’m currently 1/2 a bottle into my champagne & have been caramelizing these fucking onions for the last 1.5 hours. YES – I said ONE AND A HALF HOURS. WHYYYYYY? Because – I’m making french onion soup. So I’ll suck it up. Cause 2lbs of onions seriously takes forever to wilt, saute & then caramelized.

(Steps away to stir onions)

Then comes the fun part. WINNNNEEEEEE. Or sherry or vermouth or cognac or brandy or whatever boozy  addition you choose to add to your wonderfully caramelized onions.

I personally, am pretty damn tipsy off the champagne I’ve been drinking since I started these onions… So – WOOOO! Here comes the 1/2 cup of nasty Chardonnay that I keep around for cooking purposes that’s probably turned to vinegar.

(btw – you don’t wanna know how many times I had to rewrite the last couple of sentences because – like I said – I’ve been drinking champagne, rather rapidly, for the last hour +… oh, and will continue to keep drinking throughout the beautifully written blog post this is about to be.)

Mmmm… champagne. It just tickles my throat with all those fucking bubbles. How do people NOT like champagne? Don’t trust those people. NOPE. They’re bad.

(Steps away to stir onions)

Hello my fellow readers! Thank you so much for continue to read my blog. Which, I’m not sure why you do. Cause really it’s just become some fucking journal where I pour my feelings out and honestly – use it as a medium for therapy. But maybe it’s making some kind of impact on your life. HOPEFULLY. I hope you:

  1. Don’t judge me based off of what you’re reading
  2. Realize I’m a work in progress
  3. Reflect on your own insecurities
  4. Crush your own damn life, cause you’re a boss bitch. YASSSSS.

This is going to be so much fun to write tonight.  don’t think I’ve ever written a post after so much champagne. Usually I’ll sit here with a glass of wine in hand or maybe a beer — but generally it’s the first. I have this ritual when I begin writing. I’ve completed all the household chores I must for the day, animals are taken care of, and I’m finally settled into a spot where I can write thoughtfully and creatively without distractions. (other than Netflix, cause right now I’m obsessing over Supernatural — um, anyone else think Dean Winchester should just somehow magically show up at your door, no? just me? whatever.)

(Break for tipsy texting. Cause, girl… you know you can relate. so STFU.)

(Also – stirring the onions.)

I’m sure I’ll wake up in the morning to check the stats on this and then realize – oh, girl…. you were drinking when you wrote that. SO MUCH TRUTH.

But – let us begin on this weeks topic.

HAPPY OCTOBER 1st – whatever that means to you.

Fall is finally here. yes, the leaves are scattered on the ground and all I want to do is nest up at home. I even swapped out my (middle) blanket for the big plushy one. (Yes, I have 3 layers that cover me on a nightly basis – again, I live alone. No one other than the dog to heat the bed. Judge me. Whatever.) Really though – what is it about the seasons changing that make me want to nest so hard? I went to Marshall’s yesterday and bought new throw pillows for the couch (because… i honestly needed them, cause the 6 I previous had just weren’t doing it for me anymore.), I was really only there to pick up a new laundry hamper. Because I REFUSE to spend more than $20 on a laundry hamper. That literally just has DIRTY clothes thrown into it. Like – seriously. Why would you spend more? If you do – I think you’re nuts. Go to HomeGoods or Marshalls – seriously, AMAZING selection, YUGE.

But as the year comes to a close – I do some reflecting, actually – wait, no, I’ve done that all year – I just want to settle down and snuggle with someone. Let’s be honest. Fall and Winter are for cuddling, snowboarding, and Netflix.

(Goes back to stir onions, add gross chardonnay – cause it’s bottom shelf cooking wine, ewwww – then adds thyme & a few bay leaves, let that bitch simmer.)

Really though, summer is for being single and letting your freak flag fly, but fall/winter are for hunkering down with some cutie who wants to eat soup and drink coffee/tea with you. I can’t help it. I have this irrational desire to find someone who wants to get cozy with me in MY house. <– btw, there’s the kicker, I don’t want to go to his house, I want him to come to mine. and spend time at mine, and honestly I don’t even want to see his, I’m okay with that … especially after the seeing the last guys house I dated. (btw – if you didn’t read about that, Go back to like, a post I made somewhere in May.. AMAZING how this man gets along in life… ugh.)

But really. I’ve spent enough time dicking around – let’s get serious.

(WAIT – NOT YET, hang on, i just spilt champagne all over my perfectly contoured face, lemma just dab that shit real quick.)

Okay, I’m ready now. 

(btw the Seahawks game is also in the background, cause like I said – fall is for soup, cuddling & Netflix — or football, whatever.)

School is going incredibly well. I’m surprised how well, actually. Other than the 3.5 hours it took me to write like 16 sentences for some “use an example of something that is inclusive of the 4 perspectives of psychology, don’t forget to use references!” – This is was by far, one of the most challenging pieces I’ve had to write – basically, EVER. Why? Because:

  1. I had to pick some kind of topic, obviously my first choice was: Dating
  2. I had to literally, scientifically back up my opinions on why Dating incorporated these 4 perspective.
  3. I failed.
  4. I actually didn’t fail, I just had to modify my example, and because I’ve been working so hard on being flexible, I CHANGED IT – to LOVE <3.
  5. Cause I’m a sucker.

If you’d like to see how I connected love to: Biology, Cognitive Psych, Behavior, & Socioculture — please ask me, I’m willing to share if you want. It’s quite adorable.

Cause APPARENTLY – I’m a SUCKER for LOVE. HA! Who knew.

Obviously you did, reader – because you’ve been following my “dating journal” for the last several months. Probably thinking, “Oh, this poor girl. On a quest to find love and she 1. doesn’t love herself OR 2. keeps looking in all the wrong places.” Well, my dear dedicated reader, have I got a surprise for YOU.

Yes, I’m a sucker for love. It’s adorable, inclusive/exclusive, and it makes me all warm and fuzzy. AKA = just like my favorite sweater, that I wear, IN FALL.

While working on this assignment it shed a light on my actions, why I behave certain ways, and how there are some things I honestly have no control over.

For example, DID YOU KNOW –

(takes sip of champagne – okay, nevermind, i finished the glass… hehe.)

THAT OUR BRAINS LITERALLY LOSE SELF-CONTROL WHEN WE START TO FALL IN LOVE!? So basically, you lose cognitive-control BECAUSE you are lowering your defensives to accept SOMEONE ELSE into your brain. That’s why you’re able to THINK about someone else. Crazy, RIGHT!?

Apparently, I’m really great at falling in love, or so I tell myself.

I had a conversation with my best friend earlier this week (Shout out to you, Ilana!) about this guy I’ve been interested in recently. I set the expectation/boundary that I was only looking for something casual… So why was I so distraught when he all of the sudden was really busy, and then wasn’t feeling so well a week later?

(Steps away to smell, taste, and stir soup.)

Emotion tells me – “Bro is ghosting on you, bitch. RUN.” Kinda like what my friends tell me. But then I’ve got Logic saying, “He’s a busy man, he’s got a lot on his plate, chill Jack. Seriously. Plus, he’s probably ACTUALLY got sick… come on girl, half your staff has been out sick this week, EMPATHIZE woman!”

But what did I do?

I text him, cause you know, I’m afraid of confrontation and like to hide behind my screen…. “I’m just gonna put this out there. Since Friday morning (cause he left in the morning), you’ve suddenly become really busy & now you’re trying to tell me your sick. You know it’s okay for you to tell me you’re just not that into me, right?”

His response, “Has anyone else told you that not everything is about you, or maybe you take things too personally?”

Way to hit the MF head on the nail, dude.

I kid you not! So this propelled me into texting (too) many people about whether or not I took things “too personally”… ugh, everyone agreed with him. Funny part was I was googling how to respond to that, before I just decided to take my own medicine and be honest. I told him, “Yes, but guess what – I am who I am.” <– I’m liberally paraphrasing because I don’t have my phone near me, and for privacy sake… if I were to share all the texting details, it would expose the gentleman.

I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours. For a guy who spent 4 days in my company the week prior… this was kind of a big deal to me. I felt like somehow I screwed up.

BUT THEN – This MFer keeps checking my snaps. God bless snapchat btw, because they log and then show the “author” who views their snaps.

(Gets up to put soup in bowl, briefly broil french bread, and then put her bowl together with soup, bread, and KERRYGOLD IRISH CHEDDDDDDAR.)

So then I was left literally like, WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT?

4 AMAZING dates. Literally, the best dates I’ve probably ever been on. And then blah. I was SO confused. I talked to so many girlfriends about this because I was just like, wtf happened? What’d I do? Is there something wrong with me? Am I really that bad?

They politely reminded me that I had set expectations on our first date that I was NOT looking for a boyfriend I was NOT looking for something serious. AND I was WAY too busy to even think about anything other than work or school.

Well, fuck me, I did it to myself.

So – cheers my single ladies. Let’s learn how to communicate effectively AND respect how we communicate what we WANT/NEED. If that changes — then that’s on you. Don’t expect the other person who understand or to play along.


As I finish the bottle of champagne and eat my soup, I just want to remind everyone that when you set the precedence in your relationships, don’t forget… if someone actually gives you want you asked for – don’t hate on them if it IS what you asked for. Just because YOU changed your mind, doesn’t mean THEY did. So, deal.

Until next time.

XO – Jack

Selfish or just Smart?

“I am being selfish? Or am I just being smart?”

This question came up a lot for me this week. Mostly in the relationship-department of my life.

Often I find myself quickly romanticizing a future with someone, even if they’re not right for me. It’s all too easy for me to dream of finally finding “my person” and living happily ever after.

When I was younger, when I first started dating (17 years old), I would often stay stuck in these toxic relationships simply because I didn’t want to be alone. Failing to recognize the difference between lonely vs. alone.

The dictionary defines the above terms as:

Alone:  adjective & adverb

  1. Having no one else present, on one’s own.
    1. ex: “She was alone that evening.”
  2. Indicating that something is confined to the specified subject or recipient
    1. ex: “We agreed to set up such a test for him alone.”

Lonely: adjective

  1. Sad because one has no friends or company
    1. ex: “Lonely old people whose families do not care for them.”
  2. Without companions; solitary.
    1. ex: “Passing long lonely hours looking onto the street.”
  3. (of a place) unfrequented and remote.
    1. ex: “A lonely stretch of country road.”

Not that the above terms needed explaining, since the majority of us who can read and comprehend understand them. But how do we FEEL about them and how often are the two connected?

For years I accepted the fact that if I was alone, then consequently, I was lonely.

Failing to recognize the difference between the two – I made sure I was constantly surrounded by people. Friends, Family, Significant Others.

I became so conditioned to being surrounded by others, that when I was alone – I was scared. I didn’t know what to do or how to spend my time.

I entered into toxic and abusive relationships with friends and boyfriends without recognizing the fact that I was better off being alone than I was being unhappy and with them.

Deciding to live on my own didn’t happen as I had expected.

In fact, right before it became a reality, my friend and I were looking at trying to find a place together.

Then the universe gave me a special nudge in the direction that said, “Go – figure out who YOU are when no one is watching. It’ll be okay.”

So I signed a year-long lease, at an excellent price, in my favorite city – West Seattle.

Admittedly, I was still scared. I ended up in another pseudo-relationship with an ex-boyfriend simply because I was scared to be in my home, alone. I was scared of the responsibilities that came with it as well. How am I actually going to afford to do this?

Oh – then I went and bought a car. (Which, I needed because there’s no way mine was going to keep running forever, especially since I’d already had to replace a few things with it…) Which further fueled my fear of financial burden.

My ex obviously sensed this and helped put my mind at ease for taking care of the majority of my bills for me while I worked to pay off my consumer debt. He’s a sweetheart and while I deeply appreciated his help, it also crippled me.

I reached a point where I knew I really did need to do this by myself and so I told him he had to go.

I was TERRIFIED – but believed that I was going to be okay.

Things have since gotten a little more stressful since losing my full-time job and having to rely more on my savings than I would like, but hey! At least I have savings to rely on!

It didn’t take much time before I ventured out into the dating world again. I seek this attention and validation from men in a way that I can only describe as almost masochistic. I NEEDED to feel valued by the other sex, I WANTED to cook/bake/take care of someone in a way that would distract me from my own goals and feelings about myself.

I met someone, quickly. He seemed like the total package. Smart, successful, owned a dog (who he actually took care of), well-dressed, and generally appeared to have his shit together.

Funny thing is, I always find a fault. ALWAYS. It drives me insane. I usually don’t communicate it well and end up just getting annoyed and irritated.

I tried to do things differently this time. I really did. I spoke up more and discussed what I wanted and needed out of a relationship — and time and time again, he apologized and told me he could fulfill my minor requests.

(Seriously minor. All I was asking was for someone who wanted to see me and make plans with me instead of blowing me off to take trips with friends.)

So — after spending a weekend without hearing from him, I finally got fed up and told him it wasn’t working.

I want to feel special in a relationship – not like a burden. I want to be someone you want to see, not an inconvenience.

I sat and stared at the text I sent him (yes, I did it through text message, no I’m not proud of that — but honestly, this guy was so hard to contact that I felt as though I had no other choice). I sat there pondering whether or not I had done the right thing.

Was I being selfish asking for more time and attention? Or was I being smart and valuing myself and my feelings?

I questioned this to the point where I ALMOST apologized.

Those feelings again of being alone/lonely creeping into my head. How much time do you have to put into something before you decide to move on and find something else that is easier? Will anything be easier? Will I always find fault and nit-pick and pout when I don’t get my way?

The answer is, “NO.”

I have spent YEARS trying to figure out why I have such a desire to be loved in a relationship and what that ACTUALLY means and looks like. Discovering how I give and accept love. How to be with someone else and communicate with them what my needs are and how i can show them I care.

It’s not about just BEING with someone. Being with someone is selfish. Especially if you’re unhappy.

It’s about loving yourself and who you are. It’s about being smart and remembering it’s NOT selfish to put yourself first when searching for a companion (whether through friendship or romantically).

If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her:

“You are smart, you are beautiful, you are loved. You will feel heartache and pain in ways that I cannot explain to you yet, but you will heal and get over it. You will build walls to try to protect yourself. You will try to showcase things about you to attract someone you THINK you want. Value yourself more than that. Take pride in what you’ve accomplished in your life and do not for ONE MINUTE degrade or think less of yourself because you’re so busy comparing your life to others. Believe in yourself. Love yourself.”


Until next time,




Dating in the 21st Century

I couldn’t think of a better way to illustrate what “dating in the 21st century” means to me — other than sharing my Bumble profile picture.

That’s right. That’s me. On Bumble. A current photo as well – so you know this isn’t something from a few years ago.

WTF am I doing.


I’ve never been shy when it came to online dating. Leave it to my desire for attention 24/7 and my inability to commit. Where this weird little chemical in my brain makes me believe that I can always do better, because – duh – the grass is always greener on the other side.

I suppose my first exposure to online dating was in high school. Not through some trendy swipe app, but through MySpace. Back in the day when you would “friend” anyone who looked cute.

Cut me some slack, I was 16.

I ended up meeting Zac, he was a year older, in college (DigiPen

We dated on/off for the better portion of my high school years until I finally ended it. I had just reached a point where I was tired of the game. Trying to figure out everything all the time like it was a game of Stratego (or we can get trendy and say Settlers of Catan).

After that I met a few people at events and dated mutual friends. Eventually I was back to “square one,” and was looking to tap into a new, different pool.

I was working full-time + a side job with not much time to date. My spare time was spent with my room-mate or other friends & “adulting.” So I decided to venture out into the online dating world — this time, with actual sites geared toward connecting people.

I’m cheap.

I’ll be the first one to tell you, but others may disagree (based off of what my bathroom and fridge look like), I do not like to pay for things if I don’t have to.

The first site I checked out was Plenty of Fish. I think everyone starts there. It’s overwhelming the amount of people on that site! The trouble I ran into was SOOOOOO many message in my inbox, that were absolutely ridiculous. People couldn’t spell, they were sending me gross/threatening messages, and the overall caliber of man on that site was sub par.

Not one to give up, I went on a few dates with men I met off of Plenty of Fish.

I went on a date with a teacher named Will (who I had a blast with, was a great kisser, but something didn’t click), a physical therapy resident named Sam (who was just too desperate and pushy), and a pilot named Alex (who showed up late, proceeded to have nothing in common with me, and then said he liked to blow off steam by “having lots of sex” ew.)

Then there was Dan. Oh man. Dan was HOT. The only problem? I had to get him drunk to enjoy spending time with him. He was so clammed up and shy. I constantly felt like he was judging me when he was sober. He was rude to my room-mate and teased my dog and cat in a way that made me uncomfortable. But – he was REALLY good-looking. He was a firefighter. He also had his own side business. He had a 10yr old lab named, Ally. We dated for a few months until one day I asked him if we could see each other exclusively.

BOOM – ghosted.

(Urban Dictionary defines “Ghosting” as: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.)

That left a bad taste in my mouth, but I dusted myself off and got back to it.

The Banker. Alex. He had so much swag. Showed up on our first date in a well-tailored suit, groomed beard & looked like he had just walked out of a GQ magazine. I was immediately attracted to him. We had a blast. We played basketball, tennis, ran on the beach & watched the NBA playoffs together on days off. We went to all the swanky restaurants and bars. Best of all – he LOVED my dog & she LOVED him. He had a great balance of work hard/play hard that I hadn’t seen before & a fire for life. He really was amazing. A month into us dating, he gave me a key to his place.



Slow down. Slow down. Back the eff up. Things were moving WAY too fast. I was all of the sudden uncomfortable with this guy that I adored.

Add being caught off guard by this wonderful man to the absolute mess I had going on at home with my room-mate and you had a recipe for disaster.

I showed up to his place, handed him his key back after 3 months of dating and said, “I’m sorry. I have to give you this back. I really shouldn’t have it. I don’t deserve it.”

I broke his heart. I tried to keep things casual and mend them. But it just didn’t work. Shortly after I ended things with him, he found a new girlfriend – one I recently discovered he got engaged to, and I couldn’t be happier for him (although, slightly jealous).

It was time to upgrade my game.

Hellllllllllo, Tinder.

Everyone says Tinder is for hook-ups. I wasn’t sure what I was in it for. I wasn’t looking for someone to kick out of bed though.

I had fallen into this vortex of NEEDING attention. My goal was to have a date at least 3-4x per week. I was a woman on a mission.

Or maybe I was just hungry?

I connected really well with two guys, Ryan & Rob.

Ryan was this confident real estate broker who was absolutely gorgeous. All I could think about was – yeah, I wanna be that girl on the blanket sipping wine with him at Chateau Ste Michele listening to Ray Lamontagne. Gimme.

Rob was an exciting mix of something familiar. The play boy who was too good-looking for his own good. With WAY too much of an ego. I pictured us drinking too much tequila on far away exotic locations & laughing as we skinny dipped in the hotel pool.

So I went out with both of them.

Ryan and I met at Cactus in West Seattle and enjoyed dinner & cocktails. We chatted and had a great time over all. Something was missing though. Maybe he wasn’t ready to date, seemed to have reservations and a wall up. Regardless, I wanted it to work because he seemed like someone I could respect – but it just didn’t seem like he was that interested in me.

Rob and I met at my favorite pub, Elliott Bay Brewery. That poor staff has seen the majority of my first dates. We hit it off immediately. He showed up in a cast & crutches. We had too many beers & not enough food. I took him home that night and the rest is history. He just wouldn’t leave!

I was right about him though. He had way too big of an ego, I saw it as a challenge. To change this man and make him head over heels in love with me.

I succeeded. We did have the crazy exotic vacations with too much tequila and skinny dipping in the ocean (not a hotel pool). We had a blast & it was the most adventurous year of my life.

But it was also the most destructive and challenging.

I had lowered my standards because of the challenge. So what if he had become a better person because of me. Who had I become?

After 1.5yrs, I called it quits and left.

I ended up moving in with my ex-boyfriend, while waiting for the building I was going to move in to, to be finished.

Uh oh…

Got myself tangled up in another mess of feelings/emotions again while I was supposed to be “single. single. single. Do YOU girl. STOP DATING and figure out WHAT YOU WANT.”


Moved into my new place, settled in.

…and here we are again.

Back to working more than ever, constantly surrounded by the same people every day.

I am not the kind of girl to go to a bar by herself, either.

It’s so superficial to “swipe left” or “swipe right” based on someone’s FIRST picture.

It’s so ridiculous that dating has been broken down into online shopping.

However, I refuse to throw in the towel and give up.

Assuming I’ll meet Mr. Right while picking out the best avocado at the grocery store. Or maybe he’s the man singing off-key at church on Sundays.

Or shit, maybe I’ve already met him.

Here’s to another adventure in swipe apps.

Wish me luck.

Until next time,