HELLO, 30.

It’s official.

I have settled into 30.

Here comes the digestive issues, slower metabolism, and heavy criticism.

The heavy criticism part obviously comes from those who think you’ve “given up on love and a family” or “chose a career instead of being a mother.”

Then there’s reaping the consequences of my teenage years spent slathering my skin in baby oil and sitting out in the Seattle sun for hours on end.

Hello wrinkles and sun spots.

Hello that shiny new bottle of $290 anti-wrinkle cream that’s made by hand in a monastery.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Except it actually exists … and I want it.

This summer was all about settling goals, reaching goals, setting more goals, and spoiling myself.

I took the summer off of a FT job to really dig deep and grow. I needed to learn to accept and love myself.

I needed to stop comparing myself. I needed to quit judging myself and others.

I needed to let go of the anxiety and fear that surrounded so many things in my life.

Returning to a FT job has been… interesting.

You see, I was really hesitant on it. I was offered the job and I took several weeks to accept it.

Then after I accepted it, I took several weeks delaying my on-boarding.

I didn’t want to go back to FT work. I didn’t need to. I was doing just fine working relief and picking up clients left and right.

I had an income flowing in and was working in a VERY low-stress environment.

But then, that whole “You’re turning 30 – get your shit together Jackie” kicked in.

You know, the part that says, “Get a job where you have a retirement plan, insurance – not just medical, but also vision and dental.”

The company I’m now working for has been great.

The key feature that really made me go “yesssss!!!” was the fact that they offer $5300/yr in tuition reimbursement.

And that only requires a 6mo contract with the company and a C- or above.

Easy. Peasy.

That means – I can finish school…. And not have to worry about accruing any more debt.


Yeah… Let’s talk about that.

So as I’ve told you before – I’ve tried really hard to climb out of that deep dark hole I dug myself into.

And I’ve done a pretty fucking good job so far.

But recently I’ve been slightly out of control.

I did say I had spoiled myself, did I?

I took myself shopping.

Or rather – I’ve been taking myself shopping.

And buying all the fancy, finer things that I know aren’t exactly in my budget, but I literally don’t give a fuck.

I spent probably $4-5000 on myself this summer.

Skincare, Makeup, and a whole new wardrobe.

No – I haven’t bought the $290 anti-wrinkle moisturizer… which, okay, I have to share this description with you:

“ each jar is hand-blended in a monastery to preserve its natural ingredients and rich history. Crème Ancienne contains such fragile ingredients that each must be poured in a particular sequence at a determined temperature—requirements that can only be met by hand. Fresh turned to a monastery to hand-blend each jar because monks are an important part of the cream’s heritage. Historically, if a formula was not produced by a monk, it was considered witchcraft. “

Yes… that’s actually the description of the moisturizer that for some reason I WANT TO BUY.

I used the excuse of starting a new job and not having anything appropriate to wear to work to start the spiral.

I walked into Nordstrom Rack looking for flats… I walked out with a new Kate Spade purse.

Then I went to Nordstrom’s because I knew the shoes I wanted, I’d purchased them before and I was determined to get them again.

I walked out with 2 pairs of Sam Edelman flats (black & brown)… oh and a pair of Blondo booties that the salesman decided I had to try on, that I said “fuck it” and bought them too.

Then onto the next shop because I needed slacks and blouses…

Then onto Sephora because now I could go back to wearing makeup at work…

Then I was watching my FAVORITE local boutique (Lika Love) Instagram story and had to have the items they were showing off.

… You see how it quickly escalated.

**Retail therapy IS REAL people!**

So now I just made a $1300 payment on my credit card this month because I’m still trying to stick to my goals!

Consumer debt free by DECEMBER.

Then having the car paid off the following December.

I can do it, It’s just going to require a little more self-control than I’ve been exhibiting recently.

Speaking of self-control…

That’s been in limited supply around my neck of the woods recently.

Or maybe I’ve just adopted a “I don’t give a damn” attitude.

Which includes but is not limited to:

Ditching the passive-aggressive attitude and just calling it like it is.

That means if you’re being an asshole, I’m going to tell you you’re being an asshole.

Then I’m going to one-up that and tell you WHY I think you’re an asshole.

Then I’ll leave it at that.

Along with ditching the passive-aggressive attitude, I’ve been way more confident in my approach to things.

Mostly men/dating.

(Which also includes telling them they’re assholes).

*begin rant*

I’m SO OVER the whole “game” bullshit that our generation has created.

Oh – you can’t see someone 2 days in a row. You can’t call or text first. Don’t you dare send two texts in a row without a response.

Like really? STFU you sensitive tip-toeing little bitches. If you want something, just go for it. This is the biggest load of shit to come out of our generation EVER.

No joke.

When the hell are you going to just STFU and admit you like someone and then go for it.


*end rant*


So as you know, I’ve been basically single for quite some time now… or at least, quite some time for me, Miss Serial Monogamist.

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without a labeled “boyfriend” in… idk, since I started dating?

Gotta say – it has been the most interesting few months but only recently has it really started to get fun.

Turning 30 was like a “wake-up call.”

All of the sudden the pressure and stress to “find someone” just kind of fell away and I finally felt like I was filling the shoes I had bought for myself years prior.

I wasn’t trying to be the “tough girl” anymore. I embraced my femininity in a non-sexual way for the first time ever.

I can wear a dress and not be “asking for it” or “trying to get attention in a sexual way.”

I can literally just wear a dress because I feel fucking hot in that dress. And why wouldn’t I want to feel that way when I’m about to go on a date?

Why would I have to or feel the need to dress myself down to seem less intimidating?

Screw that.

I’m going to wear the heels and the boots and if you have a problem with me being taller than you because of that… then that’s your problem, not mine.

Catering to the opposite sex just isn’t in the cards as far as my appearance goes.

There was some comment the other day that I heard about Kim Kardashian.

Sharon Osborne I believe made a comment saying that Kim Kardashian shows she’s a feminist by posting naked pictures of herself.

Kim countered with, “No, I post naked pictures of myself because I think I look fucking hot and I worked my ass off for this body after 2 kids. That’s why. It has nothing to do with trying to prove anything or be a feminist.”

Loved it.  Something about that comment just made me smile and all warm and fuzzy.

You can embrace yourself and love yourself and be proud of yourself without taking some type of political or abrasive stance.

Loving yourself and sharing that love – whatever. Think what you want. Not everything has to be considered narcissistic now a days.

Seriously – that term is SO over used.

Anyway – back to what I was previously discussing about dating.

I had this great “ah-ha” moment with Markie (remember her? My amazing life coach – she’s the best) a few weeks ago where I just said…

“You know what, Markie. Maybe the reason I can’t make up my mind about all of this is because I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship. Maybe I need to stop searching for one, acting like I’m incomplete without one and realize I don’t even have the fucking time to devote to one if I wanted to!”

That’s kind of when all the pieces fell together – or apart I guess?

I started to see things from a different perspective.

I became bolder and braver.

All of the sudden I wasn’t looking at dating these men as possible life partners. It was more of a “hey – I’m really busy, I have a lot on my plate, but I’d really like to hang out with someone every once in a while and get drinks/dinner/maybe ‘netflix and chill’ if you catch my drift…”

**No, I am not ashamed of that at all. I do not consider myself to be a slut/whore/ho/whatever the hell you want to label me as because I believe in safe, casual encounters. GTFO**

I am so not claiming that these causal encounters don’t occasionally come with a lot of heartache – which I’ve absolutely learned the hard way, too.

But something changed.

I was able to see what I needed and wanted and how they were different.

This “feeling” may change but for now, it’s serving me well.

I was able to shine a light on a serious mental malfunction and find a way to heal it and acknowledge it.

Not without a lot of work though.

Learning to stop pressuring myself into relationships – especially ones I don’t have time for – or even worse, don’t want to be in… that’s got to be the biggest thing I took away from my 29th year.

Letting go of baggage. The people I don’t need. The people who have been in my back pocket for years and I pull out when I’m feeling sad.

The people I’m with out of convenience. The people I’m with because they pressured me to be with them.

Boy – Bye.

So now we’re this super confident, ready to take on the world woman.

Who has a whole new wardrobe and apparently a new skincare/makeup routine.

(determined to buy the monastery cream, hahaha!)

Who straight up doesn’t give a fuck about being a relationship or determining her worth based off of her partner.

Who paid her OWN tuition for school (yeah, I put that on the credit card, too – whatever).

Who started a FT job in human healthcare – which is just the start of where she wants to go.

Learning to be humble and take a step backward, that I may not be doing exactly what I want to do or what I thought I’d be doing – but guess what, it’s going to take me to where I want to be.

So WOO HOO to 30!

To waking up early (*cough – yeah right – cough*), sometimes – to do my hair and makeup before work.

To looking the part.

To randomly going on a run with my dog in the middle of the night, because – who is this girl?

To asking guys out she meets in elevators, or on Instagram – cause girl… get away from the dating apps.

“A woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet – Mohadesa Najumi”

Get it girl.

Until next time,


Manipulation, Toxicity, Heartache

Surrounded by your peers. All working toward the same goal. Doing the same thing every day. Extracurriculars, Homework, Family time.

It was so much EASIER back then.

At the time, the only drama in your life was the friend who told someone who your crush was. Maybe she stole your boyfriend. Hell, maybe she “turned the whole school against you,” and you just wanted to bury your head in the sand.

Making friends came easy to me, it always had. I find someone I click with, we spend some time swapping secrets, gossiping, creating a false sense of security in each other. Then we move on to the next one, and the next one, and the next one.

It was so easy to find that “next best friend” when you’re growing up. You’re surrounded by people your own age who are generally going through the same things you’re going through. You see them everyday, you’re surrounded by the same things, EVERYDAY.

Even though you are individuals – your lives are almost the same.

Except for what happens at home.

I spent almost every summer at my grandparents house in the country. This was my “happy place,” where nothing could hurt me. It was this bubble from the outside world that I felt safe in.

Why did I need a “safe place”?

Everything was fine. Just fine.

At least, that’s what was drilled into my head from a young age.

I know that not every family is perfect, but the secrets and lies that turned my family against each other continued to eat at me for years.

I have always loves to write. The earliest record I have of that is a journal my parents bought me when I was in grade school. It was puffy, patent leather, pink, and had a picture of a long-haired black and white cat on it. One of my first entries in that journal was writing about being at Toys ‘R Us and my parents calling each other names.

I was 7.

Growing up in the dawn of the internet exposed me to many new things. I was curious. I was adventurous. I was a snoop. I have ALWAYS been a snoop.

I discovered an e-mail in my mother’s inbox that said something along the lines of,

“Jacob is my son, you cannot keep him from me, I want to see him.”

Uh – WTF. Seriously – WTF.

I racked my brain for a few days, trying to figure out how to approach my mom about this.

When I finally did. Her response was… predictable.

“Oh honey, I don’t know what that was all about. Probably just spam mail. Don’t worry about it.”

I trusted her and allowed it to pass. I never brought up what I had seen to my Dad. It was always in the back of my head.

Which was why when my parents finally separated when I was 14 — and my mom took Jacob with her and left the rest of us behind — I knew it wasn’t just “spam mail.” It had been a truth all along.

After my mother left, I poured myself into church. I needed community. I wanted to feel loved. I felt left behind. At 14 years old I had felt like my world had collapsed. I desperately wanted to fit in and feel included.

Instead, families pitied me. They felt sorry for me. I remember my dad dropping me off at a church activity that was scheduled as a “mom/daughter crafting night”… I had no mom to join me… I had never felt so different and alone.

Shortly after that, I began to disconnect from church. I began to look at school as a way of making friends. Unsure of how to really do that, I lied. It was so stupid. I lied hoping it would get people to like me. Obviously no one had EVER done THAT before.

(this is the part where you roll your eyes)

I had told a friend, someone I thought was my best friend, that while I was on a family vacation I had sex. On the beach.

That “best friend,” had then told everyone in our “group” about my bullshit lie.

I was at a movie night with all of these “friends,” when my lie was exposed.

I was embarrassed and continued to lie in an attempt to save myself.

I was never invited to movie night again.

I was ridiculed and shunned. I was the laughing-stock for the rest of the summer.

I was alone, again.

High school came after that. New people, new friends, “new life.”

Turns out it came with the same set of obstacles. I guess I hadn’t learned my lesson.

I continued to hope I would find that friend to have a connection with. I actually found her. I got lucky enough I found two. In fact, I got SO LUCKY that I am still friends with both of them today — after a LOT of fighting, lies, drama, and tears.

I got my FIRST boyfriend. Of course I had to look outside of school. I could never have a relationship with someone who was privy to the gossip.

I actually met him on MySpace. HA! Seriously… MySpace. Anyone remember that? I fell in love with him (or so I thought). Invited him into my home. Lost my virginity to him. Allowed him to influence my faith and push my moral limits. I BELIEVED in him.

Only to find out, he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend at Oregon State and was still seeing her…

After 1.5yrs I finally ended it. After tears, more lies, and being manipulated into believing he loved me. I walked out of his life and into the next stage of mine.

The one thing I can look back on in that relationship and be 100% grateful for was the push he gave me to pursue a relationship with my mom after 4 years of no contact.

I moved out of my Dad’s house when I was 18, into my mom’s, and from that point forward the relationship with my Dad was…. extremely complicated.

That stage was filled with temporary relationships.

  • O – the body piercer I met in Monroe and gave my number to after he pierced my nose.
  • J – the firefighting/EMT that I met after PBR with my “step sister” and a night fueled by drinking.
  • S – the Irish ex-boyfriend of a girl I went to prom with.
  • K – the best friend of ANOTHER guy I went on a date with after meeting on MySpace.
  • N – the submariner I met while working a booth at Hot Import Nights.
  • T – the Kirkland party boy hustler.

I met Ryan at a party I was invited to by a Starbucks co-worker. I was immediately infatuated. There was something dangerous, sexy, and intense about him. We had an extremely passionate and volatile relationship. He was the first boyfriend I lived with.

Living with him was only part of my choice. My mom actually told me if I continued to pursue a relationship with him that I would have to find another place to live.

I thought I was in love with him. I lost everything I had worked so hard for because I though I love him. My best-friends questioned my judgment and no longer spoke to me. I lost job after job because I couldn’t go into work and allow them to see what was happening to me.

This was the first time I learned what cheating REALLY was, what it felt like.

This was the first time I learned what HEARTACHE really felt like.

Coming home to a girl (you obviously hate), sitting on your boyfriends lap and he calls YOU the crazy one for getting upset… that hurts.

The relationship ended when he caught me cheating, with his best friend, and proceeded to break my nose.

The girl living with us actually told me NOT to call the police because it would ruin HIS life. Obviously that was the most important thing. I needed to think of him. I needed to be there for him. Because who was I, without him?

This propelled me into a reckless depression and abandonment of myself. Including, but not limited to:

  • Excessive drinking
  • Excessive drug use
  • Poor work ethic
  • Promiscuity

Who was that girl? I could barely look in the mirror and acknowledge myself. I had started running with a crowd, once again looking for acceptance, only to be an outcast.

I had become the embarrassing drunk, homie-hopping hook-up girl. Ewwwwww.

I had lost the respect of my best friends. I had lost my self-respect. I was so lost. Lost little girl. All over again. How do I keep ending up “lost”?

Want to know the funny part? This happened to me again. You would have though I would have learned. Once again — God is really rooting for me! Hoping I’ll eventually learn something. But noooooooo. This girl just CANT PICK UP WHAT HES PUTTING DOWN.

I met the most INCREDIBLE man when I was 23. I was working at a coffee stand (back in those bikini barista hustlin days) when he pulled through in a shiny dodge diesel pick up. I was closing up for the night and he wanted my “largest white chocolate mocha.”

I was pissed. I was tired. I wanted to go home. I was closing — I had forgotten to turn that DAMN open sign off.

Little did I know this man would change my life.

He was 9 years older than me. He was handsome, charming, appeared successful and to have his shit together.

I was swept off of my feet. His fancy downtown condo. His sexy truck. He was smart!

Guess what I did? Self sabotage.

I fell back into that lifestyle of wanting to feel included and abandoned this amazing man who just wanted me to his on his team and be his partner.

  • Prescription drugs
  • Excessive drinking
  • Promiscuity

Again. When will I learn?

For his own sanity, he broke up with me. Turns out, it wasn’t over. We got back together 6 months later after I fled to Santa Barbara, Calif. on a whim to feel… once again, rescued.

After another 1.5yrs it just wasn’t working. I couldn’t commit. I didn’t know how to be what he needed. So I left.

I moved in with a girlfriend I met while working at the veterinary clinic, she was recently divorced, and we embarked on an adventure together.

Boy, what an adventure it was.

It started off great. We were best friends. I had FINALLY found “my person.” We would go out together, cook together, attend family functions together, we were inseparable.

That ended up being our down fall.

It turns out this adventure we had embarked on was full of bad choices.

  • Theft
  • Drug use
  • Promiscuity
  • Manipulation
  • Lies

I had gotten myself into a situation that was completely out of control. I was putting out fires everywhere. I had a room-mate that started out being my best friend who turned into  someone who manipulated me, controlled me, and abused me. I allowed myself to once again, to get involved in a nightmare.

I really started to notice it when I began dating again.

There was this… boy. I guess I can’t call him that anymore, but we have known each other since I was 16. Someone I have deep ties to and have always had a soft spot for. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and obviously it was my opportunity to spend some time together.

She keyed my car the night he came over.

We went on a date a week later, I came home to her attempting suicide by placing 18g catheters in her arms and bleeding out in her bathtub.

I was in over my head. I had no idea how far though.

That night she over-dosed on her anti-anxiety medication, Wellbutrin.

One call to 911, a call into work to explain neither of us would be in today, it was all moving so fast.

She went to the hospital, entered a 28-day in patient treatment facility, returned to our home to pack her things and was gone.

I attempted to continue a friendship with her for several months, only to be faced with the reality that things would never be the same again.

I received a phone call from her that summer that would change my life.

“I don’t think you’re a good person, Jack. I think you’re a manipulator. I think you need help. I think you should work on yourself. I can’t be your friend anymore. *click*”

I let her go. I couldn’t subject myself to the pain she continued to inflict on me any longer. I had to move on.

Guess what happened after this?

I broke the chain.

I didn’t go to drugs, alcohol, or promiscuity to fill the void and make me feel better.

I turned to my heath. The one thing I knew I could control and could benefit from working on.

  • Exercise
  • Community
  • Nutrition — eating clean, proper portions
  • Personal Development

Breaking the chain. Going from self-sabotage to self-love saved me.

I still have a long way to go. I know I will come across people in my life who will hurt me, manipulate me, try to control me. I cannot change the or try to help them.

The reason I share is raw, vulnerable story is to show you I am human.

I make mistakes.

I am guilty of longing to feel loved and involved in something greater than myself — to the point of losing myself. I am worthy of feeling those things, but not at the costs I have paid in the past.

Sharing this story is exhausting and scary. You may accuse me of being a bad person. You may believe I am some “lost little girl” who needs rescuing.

Stop. Don’t.

I don’t expect you to learn from my mistakes. I don’t expect anything from you. Hell, I don’t even expect you to read this or even make it to the end of this post.

All I want is to reach those who feel the same way and let them know that they are no alone. When you feel like the world is against you, realize it’s temporary.

Nothing is permanent, Nothing is forever.

Until next time.